ESL a/s/l?
a WIP multimedia project—
MORE THAN WORDS
Time and emotional support were not on my parents’ side, and thinking back, their lives were clockwork with little time for recreation and socializing so stress levels were always high. They were at their busiest from 1978 - 1981 when starting their own Cantonese-American restaurant, The Lotus, operating with limited resources and building out a staff; then off and on until 1998 when they retired. My siblings and maternal grandma helped at the restaurant and with childcare when they could, allowing my parents to take turns caring for me.
A typical work day:
6:45 AM - 9:45 AM - wake up, breakfast (cook & clean), morning routine
9:45 AM - 10:00 AM - drive to restaurant
10:00 AM - 11:00 AM - arrive at restaurant, prepare for lunch shift
11:00 AM - 2:00 PM - open for lunch
2:00 PM - 2:30 PM - close restaurant, clean up
2:30 PM - 2:45 PM - drive home
2:45 PM - 4:00 PM - arrive home, drop dinner off for me, work break
4:00 PM - 4:15 PM - drive back to the restaurant
4:15 PM - 5:00 PM - arrive at restaurant, prepare for dinner shift
5:00 PM - 10:00 PM - open for dinner
10:00 PM - 11:00 PM - close restaurant, clean up
11:00 PM - 11:15 PM - drive home
11:15 PM - 1:30 AM - arrive home, shower, wind down (Chinese movies)
1:30 AM - 6:45 AM - sleep
It was the ‘70s and ‘80s when they were raising us and it occurred to me a large part of their social network was made of friends back in Hong Kong. International calls were costly, so they mostly wrote letters to stay in touch.
Mom: We were really happy when first arriving in America because your Uncle Ben was in Canada. So close to Wisconsin compared to Hong Kong. We talked on the phone for probably no more than an hour and our phone bill was $300! That was a lot for the early ‘70s. It would take one month of working at the restaurant to make back that amount.
“How difficult it must’ve been for them,” I thought, to have a limited network to talk to regularly beyond the small talk with neighbors and restaurant patrons. But were they equipped to discuss their feelings? My dad has never been very vocal and my mom can talk to strangers about a lot of nothing. My former therapist from Shanghai, currently practicing in Seattle, told me that the Chinese language has a limited vocabulary for expressing emotions. I wonder what the implications of that are and, like a baby having tantrums, was my mom using physical abuse to express her narrow range of feelings she couldn’t verbalize?
[TK: Replace either with a different interface to reflect contemporary UI, recontextualize so content is timely relevant to UI)
All three kids have had their share of getting whacked, pummeled, and stomped on. Now in their 50s, they recount their childhoods, with my sister Caroline giving more specifics than my brother Ted. Like Dad, he was never great at expressing himself through words.
Me: Who had it the worst?
Caroline: I don’t think it was easy for anyone. Our parents were critical of all of us. Ted didn’t have it the worst. It’s a tie between you and me but for different reasons. At times, you were the only one with them. Ted and I had each other, but he was rarely physically abused — our parents forgave him more. One time I unknowingly disobeyed her and Mom went ballistic, applying all of her body weight on me, stomping and screaming, “I’M GOING TO BREAK YOUR LEGS!!!”
I couldn’t walk afterward. She did this after finding me at the neighbors reading in their living room. I think it was a misunderstanding with my neighbor — a sweet, harmless young girl who offered to watch me while Mom ran an errand, but maybe I was supposed to stay home.
Ted: I was hit more than Caroline — by Mom of course. Though the strictness was probably equal, maybe Caroline had it worse because she’s a girl.
I wanted to understand my parents’ emotional lives better. I’ve since asked if they felt lonely or out of place when they moved to the States. “Not lonely, but we struggled at the start with a difficult personality we were doing business with — one of our sponsors to America. We felt better after we established our independence. Moving here was a decision to benefit the kids. Everything we do, we do for our children,” my mom says. My childhood friend Jessie remembers my parents being disciplined with work and focused on the bottom line. The optimist in me has come to accept multiple forms of love languages, even if emotions are not at the heart of it.